Why we need to stop conflating self-worth with how much we earn
This piece is brought to you by Brook McCarthy - an entrepreneur and feminist marketer with 17 years’ experience in digital communications, and the cheerleader we didn’t know we needed. Here to tell us why our self-worth has nothing to do with how much we earn – take it away B!
One particularly insidious practice that keeps women stuck is the ongoing chant to “charge what you’re worth!” Not only is this damaging and distracting, but it also doesn’t help women, practically or otherwise, to actually earn more or build self-esteem. In fact, it does the opposite – here’s why.
Generally, an all-too-easy way to assert power and control over another is to find out what their vulnerabilities are and poke them. This tends to be commonplace in all high-intensity groups, cults and organisations.
Tying self-worth to how much we earn is yet another way the patriarchy preys on women — particularly those who lack confidence or money, or both. It is also so stupendously simplistic that it’s insulting. Let me break it down and offer up a few ways to consciously uncouple the hell out of self-worth and how much we earn.
Your ‘worth’ is immeasurable
First up, our true worth as humans is invaluable. All sentient beings — regardless of whether they have an MBA or six figure salary — are invaluable. Every person’s worth is immeasurable and has nothing to do with your ability to earn money. And your self-worth has nothing to do with how much you earn — yes, even as a business owner or entrepreneur.
“Ah yes,” you say, “but this has to do with market value.” So why don’t we call it market value then? Why do we, as a society, continually seek to conflate self-esteem and our ‘value’ with earnings? Because it’s yet another way to keep women insecure, buying and on the capitalist hamster wheel.
Your earnings have nothing to do with your self-esteem. If you want to divorce your self-worth from how much you earn, here’s what to try on for size instead.
You are not broken, the system is
How good you are at your work has little to no impact on your ability to make excellent bank. We all know people who are blindingly brilliant, and broke. And no doubt you’ve met people who are raking it in (probably white men), with seemingly no discernible talent on show, except the ability to talk a big game.
By conflating self-esteem with earnings, we keep women working hard at ‘self-improvement’ – an industry worth an estimated USD11 billion in 2018, in the United States alone.
Self-development is big business, and it’s built on the premise that something is ‘broken’ – you. You are a project to be ‘worked on’ and ‘fixed’. And when we make the outcome of this project an increase in your earnings, then we can make the price of admission seem reasonable. Examine your attitudes and beliefs through the lens of ‘who benefits from me believing this?’ This is a powerful question that can help you take back your power.
Practising confidence
Self-esteem is a slippery beast. It is not guaranteed and it’s not consistent. Self-confidence, on the other hand, is a different story. To apply for a promotion, to raise our prices or ask for a pay rise, to pitch ourselves for new clients or instigate a difficult conversation with our boss, requires us to act confidently for a finite period (we can cry ourselves to sleep later, if necessary).
And the more we act confidently and do the thing that scares us, the more experience we accrue. Confidence becomes self-perpetuating because our accrued experience assures us that we’ve done it before and can do it again.
Self-esteem is not something we can necessarily control, no matter what self-help books preach, whereas self-confidence is something we can perform, and which tends to create tangible evidence of our success. Confidence accrues experience, which accrues competence. And competence further grows confidence.
Divorcing self-esteem and earnings
Money is a powerful influence in life. It impacts our freedom, the decisions we make, and the way we view things, which is why most people have hang-ups and baggage about it. Everyone acquires money baggage through socialisation, particularly from our families, and not only are these beliefs and attitudes frequently internalised but they can become expensive.
And so not only do we earn less over the course of our lives and retire with far less superannuation than our male counterparts, but we also see this play out in major life decisions, including whether or not we stay with our partner, how many children we have or don’t have, and the practical help and support we can or can’t access.
It’s well past time to rethink how we view earnings and put it in its proper place. Conflating self-esteem with earnings as a measure of someone’s worth is not just incorrect, it’s also unethical and unfeminist. Socialisation and unearned privilege have a very real impact on earning ability. Plus, if we conflate our value with our earnings, we’re likely judging others similarly (even subconsciously or unconsciously).
While we desperately need to dismantle the systems of oppression, demand more diversity and inclusion, and continue to rewrite policy and laws to make the world more equitable, there are some things we can control and focus on changing in the here and now. And a big change can be quick.
Don’t swallow the damaging hype you’ve been sold. And the next time someone attempts to conflate your self-worth with what you earn, see this as the red flag that it is, and run.
About Brook McCarthy
A business coach, marketing trainer, speaker and facilitator, Brook works with values-based business owners, who would far rather just do the work than talk about it. She equips them to say something worth listening to and do something worth talking about, growing their professional reputation. On a mission to help women earn more, while doing less (and having way more fun) she runs regular short courses on digital marketing, offers one-to-one business coaching, as well as a flagship program, Hustle & Heart that we love.
Hey lady! The views and opinions expressed in this guest post are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Ladies Talk Money. Any finance information provided in this post is general advice only, and you should always seek independent, tailored advice before acting on it, or reach out to discuss your individual circumstances and needs.